Thursday, July 6, 2017

Having kids is hard

Yes. Having kids is hard. I have always wanted to be a mother. In fact, when I was in kindergarten, there was a survey done of our class, and everyone was asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. I was the only one who said I wanted to be a mom.
But I think that, no matter what, having kids is hard. Whether it's the conception, the pregnancy, the birth, or the baby, having kids is hard. I don't think that I know a single woman who has had a blissful experience with all of those parts. For me, the hardest part is getting pregnant. If you know me, you know that I have to have my kids with the help of IVF (in-vitro fertilization). We have been EXTREMELY lucky to have a child with both of the previous IVF cycles we've done.
But we are not quite as lucky with this one. I had the most medicine that could be fathomed to put in the shots. I had shots every night, and blood tests and ultrasounds nearly every day as well. We felt like it was all going very well! We were able to do everything in Idaho Falls, which was a huge blessing. When I had the surgery to harvest the eggs, they got 6, which I think is more than ever before! 4 of them were fertilized the next day, which was also fabulous. The doctor himself called me on the day of the transfer, and said that two of the eggs were looking really good, so we put these guys in:
The embryologist even said they had grown since the picture! Yay! Here we are on transfer day:
We were super excited, and hoping for twins! We would find out in 2 weeks. About halfway through the two weeks, I started bleeding. Because of the experience we had last time, we thought everything would still be okay. Then, closer to the day to check, I started bleeding again. This time, I was not as hopeful. So, I was supposed to go get a blood test on Monday morning, and I had an extra home pregnancy test lying around. I was still bleeding on Sunday morning, but I decided to try it out. Here's what I got:
I was reassured, but still not completely hopeful, because I know that there HAS to be a false negative pregnancy test before the collection, because of the trigger shot. But I texted my nurse, and told her what I got, and she said that I was PREGNANT! Wa-hoo! I told my family. I got it confirmed on Monday. I told my really close friends. I was excited! But I was still bleeding . . .
I called the nurse of my OBGYN. She said that I should definitely redo the test on Wednesday, and let her know what I found. I asked my fertility nurse to redo the test, and she agreed that it needed to be redone again.
I carted my kids to the clinic for the blood test AGAIN. I keep telling them that I'm done, but it never happens. Anyway, that's when the bad news came. My HcG number was dropping. Fast. I had another test done last Friday. It's almost completely gone.

So, I was pregnant for 2-3 days. I am still trying to figure out how to deal with this. I honestly do not know what we will do to try and have another child. I honestly do not know IF we will have another child. I am very sad. I am hopeful, but starting to get realistic. Sometimes those are opposites.


  1. So many tough decisions and emotions. I hope and pray that you find peace.

  2. I'm so sorry Tina. :( What an emotional journey! I hope you guys will be able to find peace and comfort. and hopefully YES, more kids will be in your future!